Lost and Depressed with Asperger's Syndrome

February 3 2007

I'm feeling so "non-caring" right now and that makes me feel even worse. Our daughter scored in the 88th percentile taking her PSAT's in 10th grade and colleges are emailing her left and right but I'm having trouble finding joy in it even though I am SO INCREDIBLY PROUD (maybe because of my fear that our son's health issues will keep us from paying for our daughter's college).

I'm so tired of our son treating me/us the way he does. Smart-alek remarks, mean looks, eye rolls, etc.

He has Asperger's Syndrome, Bi-Polar, OCD, ODD, ADD, Depression, GAD, and typical teenager hormones all rolled in together (he comes by these problems honestly as I have most of them myself).

If he didn't have all the other problems I'm certain that his Asperger's would actually be a good thing, especially by everything I read from other parents about their children who have Asperger's (and kids themselves who have Asperger's) but not the other problems that our son has.

I have no joy right now, I have nothing that is making me happy and nothing to look forward to and that worries my husband. I don't want to work (I'm self-employed Downloadable Construction Forms ), I don't want to read, I don't want to watch tv, I don't want to have intimate relations with my husband, I don't want to eat, I just don't want to do anything except sleep.

I don't wish or am even considering suicide but at the same time I continue to ask myself, why go on?

We recently moved to a beautiful, totally gorgeous island called Whidbey Island in the state of Washington. I love it here and we want to build a website about it but I can't even bring myself to write about the wonderful things because I'm in such an apathetic mood.

I'm becoming more and more familiar with my own depression issues (I'm on 60 mg of Prozac every day) and a small part of my mind keeps saying "it'll be better within a few days" but it's such a small part of my mind saying that, while the rest is saying "what's the use?". Maybe my Prozac isn't working any longer?

I need to force myself to be happy but not today, or even tomorrow. Well, tomorrow is bill paying day so I guess it's already destined to be a "not happy day" anyway so might as well kill two birds with one stone.

I hope to feel better soon, I so much prefer when I'm feeling happy. I want to go out and explore our beautiful Whidbey Island and take pictures and write about how wonderful it is but I can't bring myself to do it right now.

I need to force myself to go out and explore Whidbey Island and relish in its beauty (it really is absolutely gorgeous here, around every corner is a beautiful surprise) and you know what they say about "act happy and you'll be happy".

Plus my sad mood affects my entire family, it's like when I'm down, nothing runs right. :(