Abbie P: Notes toward an extreme rationalization.

by Abbie
(United Kingdom)

I was 10 years old and the Doctor was telling my mother that I had Aspergers Syndrome. My mother was nodding and saying, 'I always knew there was something wrong.' Something was happening to me inside- when the white noise is so loud it deafens you and the desire to cover your ears with your hands is difficult to suppress, although it would be pointless.


I ran from the room and into the car park. I found my mother's car and I kicked the bumper until it fell off. I waited in the front seat. She shouted but I can't remember anything, which is strange, because I usually remember everything. I spent the next six years denying my diagnosis , because it justified my refutation of my mother.

I was 11, and we were camping. Me, my step-father, my mother, my mother's best friend and her husband, my mother's best friend's daughter and son. I woke up in the middle of the night and I heard my mother say exactly this;'I do not see her as a daughter anymore, I just don't love her.' I should have vomited. I should have screamed. I should have done something, anything. But I didn't. That was five years ago, and I still haven't so much as hinted towards my having heard my mother's confession, of her not loving me.

She moved 300 miles away to Cornwall when I was 12. I moved in with my father and step-mother, who mean well but sometimes get it wrong. I find it hard to forgive, but I forgive them anything; we can only truly progress into adulthood when we acknowledge and accept that our parents are merely human beings and that they too will make mistakes. I cannot allow this ideal rationalization to my mother. She will always be to me what kryptonite is to Superman- she imbues me with weakness.

I do not know if my mother said that because she was angry, and that she didn't really mean it. I will never know because I will never ask. I wanted so much for her to be wrong. For her insistance of my diagnosis to be wrong. But the vastness of the things that I do not understand make me want to run away sometimes, and I can be in a room full of people, swelling with the sounds of laughter, and I can feel like a single cell organism cast adrift into an indeterminate universe.

I am 16 now. I have Aspergers Syndrome. I surpassed my predicted GCSE results, and I am currently studying for my History, English Literature and English Language A-levels. I want to go to Exeter University, and I want to travel. I have friends, and although they do not understand me and are often ignorant, I love them. I love my father and step-mother with a ferocity that can make me weep. I love my mother too. When we study love's usual effects, it is more similar to hatred than it is friendship. I could let myself become immobilized by the inevitable darknesses of life; I could double over with the weight of the knowledge that life will always be that much harder for me than it will be for my friends, I could vomit. I could scream. Rather, I will go on. In the words of Samuel Beckett; 'You must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on.'

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For as much time as I spend researching Asperger's Syndrome this website should have thousands of pages but because my son has Asperger's Syndrome I find that the things I want to work on very often are not the things that I have to work on so I'm still not able to spend as much time on it as I'd like to.

As he heads into adulthood (he turned 20 on Dec 13 and yep I need to update some areas of the website where it has his age) I'm finding that I have even less time on my hands as I spend more time trying to master the puzzle of how to help him transition into "life after high school".

That's where Autism Tomorrow: The Complete Guide To Help Your Child Thrive In The Real World comes in.

It's a guide to help your kids after high school. You'll find parts of the book will be applicable and some won't depending on your child's current age. Although the title implies "Autism after high school" there is still quite a bit in there about what to do help prepare your child for "real life".

It's a great book!